


No Pain, No Game

by Monobear



Category: Dangan Ronpa, Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Alternate Universe - DnD Campaign, Comedy, Multi, Parody
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-01-28
Updated: 2014-01-29
Packaged: 2018-01-10 08:39:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1157511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Monobear/pseuds/Monobear
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if the two scenarios of Dangan Ronpa and Super Dangan Ronpa 2 were instead roleplayed games by a group of friends -- specifically, a particularly creative GM, a 9 year old girl whose innocence is a debatable topic, a 'loose' girl who probably knows more than she lets on, a teenage boy who is more used to screwing up campaigns than doing them seriously, and others who come and go. It's particularly more chaotic. Beginning with the original Dangan Ronpa, take this as a crack retelling.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Nightmare Begins (Part 1)

Alright, are we all clear on the game mechanics? Anyone have any objections of note? Anyone?  
Nope!  
I'm fine. I guess.  
Let's start, come on.  
Alright, alright. I'll start. You are all students of the most prestigious academy in the world, Hope's Peak Academy, and you have all been selected due to your specific mastery of one talent in particular. It can be anything, from racing to archery to...well, it's all debatable, but think out of the box, would you? Matthew, you can go first.  
Alright....hm....name will be....Makoto Naegi.  
Isn't that the tutorial protagonist?  
Your point is?  
Ugh. Alright. Your name is Naegi Makoto, SHSL Luck, and you are standing in front of the gates of Hope's Peak Academy. What do you plan to do?  
Go home.  
No.  
........Kill self?  
Not yet.  
Da--wait, yet?  
I said nothing along that line of thought. Never.  
Alright, well, I guess I'll walk in.  
That's going to require a strength, constitution, and wisdom check. In addition to charisma to enter without ripping your pants.  
This is payback for not using an original character, isn't it?  
Damn straight. You gonna go for the check?  
I guess? I'm not gonna get that.  
You're right. You attempt to walk inside, but trip over yourself and pass out, the world going to black in front of your eyes.  
Wow, that's remarkably pathetic.  
We haven't seen your character yet, Molly. Don't get cocky. Anyway. When you awaken, you are in a classroom with the windows bolted shut, security cameras watching you, and you are entirely alone. Metal plates are on the walls, and you are firmly aware that you could not break it if you tried. What do you do?  
I attempt to break it via hadouken.  
You attempt to shoot a blue fireball from your palm, and then you realize that you have just been incredibly stupid, as your talent has nothing to do with blue fireballs or martial arts. Even then, the metal plates are quite firm and they wouldn't move even if you did have that ability.  
Goddammit. Er....I use my tremendous luck to escape the situation via convenient rope from the newly broken in ceiling because the US Army is here to save and protect? Hoo-ha?  
...You have a vivid fantasy about GI Joe, wandering down the hall and proceeding to the gym, all the while thinking that you are proceeding to the Cobra Commander base, as ordered by your superiors. Oh, how you swoon over Snake-Eye. He's the reason you joined the forces.  
Fuck yes.  
Before you can make out with your idol, however, you have entered the gym, where a group of students stand, dumbfounded. They have fallen into the exact same situation as you, so it seems. Katie? Molly?Introductions to your characters?  
My character is Ishimaru Kiyotaka, SHSL Stripper. He is the most attractive member of the cast, and he has a large bonus to charisma.  
So your character is Ishimaru Kiyotaka, SHSL Extremely Confident Hall Monitor. Got it. How would you like to introduce yourself?  
I jump in front of Naegi and complain about the itching sensation down my front, and how he can scratch it tenderly, while standing on the tiptoes of my stripper boots. I also mention that he should respect his parents....for giving him such a great body.  
You're not making this easy.  
I begin to rub the chest of the boy in front of me. "Like that, Ishimaru-kun?"  
"Exactly like that, Naegi-kun."  
Suddenly, a girl approaches! Katie, that's your cue.  
Ah! My character is...I...Japanese names....  
Hmm....here, how about you play this one? Fukawa Touko?  
Okay! My character is Touko Fukawa and I'm....SHSL....SHSL....Author? Maybe?  
That'll do. How would you like to introduce yourself?  
I run up and kick Naegi in the groin.  
What.  
I'll allow it, make a strength roll.  
4!  
Naegi doubles over on the ground in pain, to the amusement of another girl nearby. This girl is Maizono Sayaka, the SHSL Idol, and she extends a hand for you to get helped up.  
I stare at her breasts.  
She blinks, and then slaps you, pulling you up. "...It's good to see you again, Naegi-kun!"  
How the fuck does that bitch know me.  
"Oh, don't be silly, Naegi-kun! We went to the same middle school, you dipshit!"  
WHAT.  
I forgot to mention the fact that she's an esper. Silly me.  
"....Maizono-san, you've grown in all the right areas."  
"HEY, I'M STILL HERE."  
"You kicked me in the groin!"  
"You looked like a douche."  
"I like her."  
"Why does everyone here hate me?"  
"I don't hate you, Makoto-kun."  
"Oh, Ishimaru-kun...."  
And before you can get into any more homoerotica, another boy walks over. He is a bit taller than you, but looks like a Grade A douchebag. This is Kuwata Leon, SHSL Baseball Player. "Sup, bro?"  
"Hi. So. I hear you hit balls."  
"Kuwata-kun! You must always be careful to hit your balls at exactly the right frequency! Never too soft, never too hard! I like it rough, myself!"  
......Can I run over and kick both of them in their groins?  
That's being taken into consideration.


	2. The Nightmare Begins (Part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The game continues, marking the entrance of Asahina, Celestia, and the introduction of Monobear.

Let's just....move forward for now, I'll explain more in depth about the others later...or their players will, considering we've had a few candidates for joining our campaign.  
Really? More people are joining?!  
Yes, though exactly when is a debatable topic. Anyway, as you proceed onwa--  
Kaitlyn? Did you perhaps want any snacks? It'll be a while until lunch.  
I'm alright, mom!   
Oh. Hello, Mrs. Jamison.  
Hello, Keiran--is that Dungeons and Dragons?! I used to play that all the time when I was younger! May I join?  
Um...if you can adapt a character to the current campaign, I suppose.  
Oh, this is going to be good.  
Alright. My character will be...hmm....hm...Celestia Ludenberg. SHSL Gambler, and professional liar.   
...You're a competitive player, aren't you, Mrs. Jamison?  
Perhaps a bit, yes. As for introductions....Celes has been standing in the corner, seeing everyone's personality. "Delighted to meet you. My name is Celestia Ludenberg."  
"Aren't you, y'know, Japanese?"  
"Of course I am."  
"Then can I have your real name?"  
"I'm afraid that you cannot. Simply call me Celestia, or Celes if you prefer, as that is the name I go by."  
Alright. Spendid introduction, Mrs. Jamison. I'll note that that was probably the best so far.  
Tsundere.  
Am not.  
Are too.  
Think what you'd like. We'll be getting to the main plot when our final player for the moment arrives.  
You of all people invited someo--wait a second. It's Dani, isn't it. It's so Dani.  
You have the right to remain silent about her and I. By which I mean, shut up.  
Oh, did you invite your girlfriend, Kieran?  
She's not....ugh. Kind of?  
Hey! Finally found the room. Ehehehe. I'm not too good at navigating houses...  
Dani. Welcome to the game, are you going to play the character you discussed with me earlier?  
Hmmmmm. I think so, yep. Asahina Aoi. SHSL Swimmer.  
Excellent. With that, introduce yourself to Naegi.  
My name's Naegi. I have a piece of hair that looks like a cockroach antennae.   
"Hmmmm. Naegi Makoto....Naegi Makoto..."  
"What are you doing?"  
"What, you never heard of tryin' to memorize someone's name before? Punk."  
"....You have a bit of an attitude."  
"I do, wanna fight about it, asswipe? I will take you down to Funkytown."   
Right. So we have a groin-kicking author, a homoerotic hall monitor, a generic character picked from a tutorial, a compulsive liar, and now...Asahina.  
Pfffhahaha, I get a category to myself. Sweet.  
Ooh, ooh, so we've got introductions done, what now?  
Well...as you talk amongst yourselves, in addition to speaking with other students, a voice rings out over the intercom. "Testing! Testing! One-two-three!"  
"What's going on, exactly?"  
"I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!"  
"N-Neither did I."  
"I did something."  
"Was that something me?"  
"Yep."  
"Ugh, I'm sure you bastards can hear this anyway! Welcome to Hope's Peak Academy's introduction ceremony! It's time to begin!" As soon as this voice rings out, a small dual-colored teddy bear hops onto the podium in front of the microphone. "Welcome, freshmen! I'm Monobear, your headmaster!"  
"....It's adorable."  
"I call dibs."  
"You will fight me for it?"  
"It's on!"  
"H-Hey, don't kill yourselves over me (yet)! I know I'm unrealistically charming and suave, but wait. Just a bit. And then you can kill each other over me!"  
"Fine."  
"...I'll stab you in the butt, Asahina..."  
"Hey, that's my line."  
"No, it's my line."  
"You're both wrong, it's my line."  
"........Wow, did I accidentally get into the mental ward instead? Solitary confinement with you people...jeez, this might be a faster game than I thought..."  
"Nonetheless. I'd suppose we are to be let free on the normal time-schedule, with the final hours of the day being reserved for free time."  
"Nope! You're all stuck in here forever! Unless, y'know, you want to exploit the....other way out."  
"Explain."  
"Weeeellll, it's a special rule I created, called 'Graduation'! Only someone who breaks the order can leave...and the only way to do that...is killing another person! I could care less how, though. Beating, stabbing, clubbing, beheading, drowning, suffocating, they're all legit forms of murder! The most evil of actions leads to the best outcomes....I hope you all cooperate. Upupupu...gahahahaha!"  
"It's alright, guys. We can just engage in human sacrifice. Who don't we like here?"  
"..."  
"..."  
"..."  
"..."  
"...Why are you all looking at me like that?"  
"...He will make a fine sacrifice."  
"Prepare the ritual knives."  
"Okay, okay, no, it's not that easy! Wow, I thought all of you were supposed to be the world's 'hope'...the bloodthirstiness in here is insane! Not that I don't approve. But, umm...in addition to killing someone, you can't let someone know it was you who did it....a-and before you think of it, I'm not someone you can kill!"  
"N'yaww, I wanted to engage in ritual sacrifice...."  
"Really? Did you want to be the sacrifice? I can make that happen."  
"You're all insane and bloodthirsty and terrifying....I love it. Alright, I'm gonna get out of here before you all start chucking knives and using flamethrowers and killing me accidentally." The bear disappears just as quickly as he came.   
Looking around me, I began to not trust anyone. The school of 'hope' I entered was becoming the school of 'Stupid Evil'. Perhaps this is where I belonged. I couldn't help but feel like I could really fit in here.  
And start the themesong!  
NOW, THIS IS THE STORY ALL 'BOUT HOW MY LIFE GOT FLIPPED TURNED UPSIDE D--  
No.  
Monday, Tuesday, Killing Days~! Wednesday, Thursday, Killing Days~!  
I hate all of you.  



End file.
